


A Sacred Circle

by Gracesgirl



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 22:22:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15034571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracesgirl/pseuds/Gracesgirl
Summary: Another old post...A short story about a special weekend.





	A Sacred Circle

 

 

     Alicia closed her eyes with a sigh, overwhelmed by the oppressive, gray, February afternoon.  Sleet pummeled diagonally against her bedroom window, striking in such sharp, staccato fashion, it seemed to her that a few hundred thousand miniature army men were firing machine guns at close range.  She grimaced.  It wasn’t pleasant outside, and it didn’t feel pleasant inside, either.  She felt a sheen of perspiration break out on her forehead, trying to breathe easily despite the screaming pain in her hip.  The creaky joint had its own heartbeat today and so far, medicine and prayer had done little to bring any relief.

_Lord,_ she prayed with gritted teeth, _I’ve about had it today.  I’m doing my best here…but it doesn’t_ _seem good enough, and you don’t appear to be listening._   _So, if there’s something I’m missing, let me know.  I’m about to start cursing, and I don’t want to do that!_

Almost immediately, Alicia heard the first inner whisper of the day: _“Booze.”_ She let go a quick burst of laughter.  She doubted this was the counsel of the Holy Spirit—but really, who knew?  More likely, it was the voice of her beloved, deceased sister, Maggie.  _Maggie!  How I miss you, darling girl!_ Tears came quickly to her eyes, and before she knew it they coursed down her cheeks.  _Good heavens, I’m a_ _mess today!_

 

      Swallowing past the tightness in her throat, Alicia pushed herself to her feet with an impatient burst of Irish spunk.  She bit back the pain and hobbled to her closet, reaching for a shoebox on the shelf.  Removing the lid, her fingers sought the cross Maggie held while she lay dying.  It was smooth and cool to her fingertips as they traversed a path up and down the wood. _I miss you, Mags.  You were so wonderful!  I miss you, darling!  Make me strong now!_ Alicia smiled, overcome with whimsy and memory, reaching for the bottle of Irish whiskey almost without thought.

 

     She hobbled back to her little prayer corner, where a glass of water sat on a small table next to her bible.  She drank the remains of the water, then poured herself a small amount of the whiskey and sat back. In the last few months of her life, when Maggie’s cancer had spread to her bones and the pain was mostly intractable, she and Elaine would put this very same whiskey in a sniffer, and then, nearer to the end, in an eyedropper.  The three women came to the conclusion that the whiskey was “ _God’s Irish_ _blessing,”_ and Maggie swore by its capacities to relax her body and take an edge from the pain that no pill had been able to do.

 

     Now, Alicia sipped the amber liquid, sighing as the smooth liquid slid down her throat.  It wasn’t long before her belly warmed, and soon thereafter, her muscles began to relax.  It wasn’t the best coping mechanism, she thought ruefully, but as she only brought this beloved bottle out perhaps twice a year, she supposed God would show her mercy.  She was in a pain crisis and had been struggling for weeks now, not sleeping well, dreading each day of cold, damp weather and growing increasingly more run down as winter progressed.  She suspected she was a touch depressed as the anniversary of Maggie’s death approached, and certainly out of balance spiritually, much to her dismay.  

 

_Lord, once again I lift it all up to you.  Have mercy on me.  Help me to trust.  And do with me what you will._

 

     And in the meantime, I’m going to call Elaine.  It would be good to hear her voice.

 

                                                        _______________________________

 

     Elaine Hartsell stood on the Long Island beach, a forlorn and lonely-looking woman, alone at the edge of the crashing, steel-gray surf.  The wind blew with a fierceness that took her breath away, pushing large waves ashore and whipping snow at her face almost violently.  Her cheeks felt raw with cold, her lips chapped.  Elaine’s gloved hands were pushed deep into the pockets of her old, boiled wool overcoat, a cap and scarf wrapped securely around her neck and head.  Still, she was becoming aware that even wearing several layers, there was a brittle cold settling into her bones. 

 

     The pretty, silver-haired woman sighed.  She supposed she should care about whether she was getting hypothermic, or if her cheeks would ever recover from the beating they were taking.  But really, she was secretly relieved that even if she was turning into an icicle, at least she felt _alive._ The harsh wind and driving snow were bracing and exhilarating and at the very least they were keeping her out of her bed.

 

     Hearing her dog bark down the beach, Elaine turned and watched him.  Even at a distance she could see he was playing his favorite beach game—Intimidate-The-Wave.  The huge, black Newfoundland had his front paws planted in the wet surf, head and shoulders down as he barked as menacingly as he could at each wave that he deemed worth threatening.  Elaine laughed with delight.  _Sparky!  Thank_ _you, God, for Sparky!_ The winter thus far had been cold, damp, and snowy, and she had little, if any motivation to leave the confines of her home, even when she needed groceries.  It was Sparky that forced her up and out each day as she tended to his needs.  It was Sparky that bumped against her thigh as she waited for her tea to brew, comforting her with the warmth of his leaning body as she’d sink her fingertips into the thick, soft fur at the back of his neck.  It was Sparky who would plant his front paws on the edge of her mattress each morning, just before she felt his cold nose brush up against her face.

 

     Without a doubt, Sparky was her grief therapist.  This time of year, as she relived the last torturous months of Maggie’s life and the indescribable pain of her death, was always more challenging for Elaine.  Her sadness seemed as deep as the days were short, and the darkness outside her windows reflected an inner darkness made heavier by the piercing loneliness that almost hurt in a very real, physical manner.  She shivered as a lump filled her throat and fresh tears came to her eyes, where they were practically flash frozen by the wind.  Burr!  She knew it was time to head in, whether she wanted to or not.

 

     “Sparky!”  Elaine shouted, her voice carried away toward the towering pines that edged her property.  “Sparky!  Come on, boy!  Time to go!”  With a few last barks to the waves, the dog obediently turned and began trotting toward her.  Elaine thought he resembled an adorable, canine version of a tank as he rumbled along, and she smiled at the sight he made, red tongue hanging out, huge paws splashing down into the foaming surf, and black coat covered with a layer of fresh, wind-driven snow.  Her heart turned over with love for the mutt, and she shook her head.

 

     “Sparky,” she said, wiping snow from his face, “you are the absolute best!  Maggie would have loved you, buddy.  You would have relieved her pain, I’m sure.  You sure are helping mine.”  Sparky gazed up at Elaine, his coal black eyes looking so sincere and faithful she threw her arms around his huge, wet neck.  “I love you, Sparks!  I do!  Don’t tell anyone how much or I’ll be committed for sure.”

 

     “Now come on!  Let’s go in.  I need hot tea, and I’m sure you won’t mind your bed in front of the fire right about now, would you?”  They took a few steps together, and then she added, “And I think while you nap I’m going to call Alicia.  If my heart is aching, I’m sure hers is, too.”

 

                                              ________________________________________

 

     Therese Belivet was freezing.  The late February sky was spitting sleet down upon Manhattan, stinging her cheeks and whipping her brunette hair into a wet frenzy.  She should have put on a hat and scarf but really, she had just wanted to get this walk over with.  Now she tugged at her dog’s leash impatiently.  “Benny!  Come on, already!  You peed, you pooped, and you’ve sniffed about a thousand spots!” she said, a touch of impatient petulance in her voice.  The little black mutt with a white left ear looked up as if briefly considering Therese’s command, and then he promptly went back to sniffing.

 

     An exasperated Therese gritted her teeth.  “Benny, I swear to God, I love you, but sometimes you make me absolutely crazy!”  The young woman hauled Benny closer, then stooped to pick him up, his wet head brushing up against her already frozen face uncomfortably.  “Now let’s go!  It’s been a long day and I just want to relax already!”  She marched into the apartment building with a stormy expression on her face. 

 

     Letting herself into the apartment she shared with Carol, Therese carried Benny directly into the bathroom, where she grabbed the first towel she saw and began rubbing him down.  He groaned and attempted to pull himself free, making it clear he didn’t like her ministrations.  “Benny, please?”  Therese asked while taking a breath to control her temper.  “I’m almost done, bud.  And then you get to go down and play, okay?”

 

     But as soon as Benny’s paws hit the floor, he jogged to the pedestal sink and immediately lifted a hind leg to urinate on the base.  The young brunette almost couldn’t believe her eyes.  “Benny, no!  Bad boy!” she shouted sharply as the dog ran from the room to find his toys.  Sighing and grumbling, Therese grabbed a wad of toilet paper and began cleaning up the mess, hearing the front door open as Carol arrived home from work.

 

     “I’m home, Therese,” came Carol’s greeting, which sounded weary to the younger woman’s ears.  She emerged from the bedroom to find Carol had shrugged out of her coat, wrapping her arms around herself with a slight shiver.  “Brr!  It’s so cold and awful out!” She approached Therese with the intention of sharing their customary end-of-the-workday kiss and hug, but was surprised when Therese took a step back.

 

     “You’re later than you said you’d be,” the brunette stated bluntly, and her irritation was obvious.

 

     Pausing, Carol’s eyes narrowed as she took in her girlfriend’s disgruntled expression.  “Well, I had some orders I absolutely had to get out.  I didn’t think you’d mind, and I’m not _too_ much later than I’d predicted.”  Carol stopped for a moment, and a wave of weariness washed over her.  It had been a very long and busy day and what she wanted was a kiss, a hug, and a cup of hot tea.  “Did I…is there something I missed, darling?”  Her question was somewhat tentative.

 

     “I wanted you to be the one to take Benny out, Carol. I feel like it’s always me that’s stuck doing it!”

 

     The older woman bristled at this comment, but her shoulders sagged.  “I don’t think that’s a very fair statement!  And I have to get off my feet and have my tea,” she said, walking purposefully into the kitchen.  “Come this way if you want to keep talking.”  Busying herself finding a mug and putting the kettle on, she looked up when she saw Therese approach and lean against the doorframe.  “Well?” Carol asked, her tone rather biting. But she saw the younger woman’s face looked softer.

 

     “I…I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to bite your head off, even if I really do feel I’m doing more of the work of taking Benny out…and training him.  He’s just been a real pistol lately.  I’m frustrated,” she admitted, the dejection clear in her voice, “and it was just so awful out this afternoon.  It’s much easier to take him to do his business when it’s not thirty degrees and sleeting!  I think I get resentful.  You brought him home to us, but I spend the bulk of time with him—”

 

     Carol cut her off.  “During the week, yes, but it’s because you get up first and come home first.  I do try to make it up on the weekends, and I try to pick up the slack in other places, Therese.  Cleaning the bathroom, cooking more of the meals…”  Her voice trailed away as the kettle began whistling.  She poured her tea.  “Would you like a cup?”  At Therese’s nod, she poured a second cup, setting both on the small kitchen table with the sugar bowl and spoons.

 

     Sitting across from Carol, Therese noticed how pale she looked; her flawless skin seemed bleached and drawn, her gray-blue eyes heavy with fatigue.  “Carol?  Are you okay?  You look so tired…”  Tears quickly appeared in the older woman’s eyes, though she tried to chase them away.  She brought a slender hand to her forehead, momentarily resting her head there as if it had suddenly become too heavy.  “We’re doing this more lately, you know.  We’ve been having these little spats.  And we’re keeping score.”  She shook her head, contemplating her tea as she wrapped her hands around the warm mug.  When she looked up, Carol’s eyes looked haunted.  “I don’t want to keep score, Therese.  That was one of the worst things with Harge, you know…The endless tallies we kept of who was doing more, who was doing better, who was giving more to our marriage, to Rindy…”

 

     The younger woman looked surprised, but not unaware.  “I noticed, too.  Why?  Why are we doing this?”

 

     Carol tilted her head as she traced the smooth, worn wood of the table, following the grain with an elegant, painted fingernail.  “Well, we have Benny now.  He changes things.  It’s not just us anymore, it’s his needs, too,” she explained just as the little dog scampered into the room.  A tired smile filled her face.  “Well, if it isn’t our little man.  Hi, Benny!” she greeted him softly.  Benny came to her and briefly rubbed his sleek, black fur against her leg, then dropped down and began chewing on her shoe.  “No, Benny!  No chew!” Carol admonished, bending to pick up the mutt.  Settling him in her lap, she kissed the top of his head and began scratching behind his velvety ears.  But he squirmed away, bending down in an attempt to chew on the edge of the table.

 

     “No, Benny, no chew!”  Therese corrected him this time, then stood. “I’ll be right back.”  When she returned, she had an old piece of rope in her hand.  “Here,” she said tiredly, “this has worked sometimes lately.  You just have to hold it for him and he’ll gnaw away.”

 

     Carol peered at her closely.  “You look tired, too, Therese, and stressed.  I’m sorry he’s been so challenging.  Is it too much?”

 

     Therese swallowed her tea before speaking.  “No…not too much.  Just…a lot.  I love Benny, Carol.  I wouldn’t want to not have him.  But sometimes I still want to kill him!  He’s nuts!  Non-stop!  And where I used to be able to get work done at home, I can’t now, at least not any focused work.  I was trying to sort through some photos for a deadline yesterday and I decided to give him some freedom.  Then he chewed up one of my sneakers.”

 

     The older woman grimaced.  “Oh.  He’s gotten to one of mine, too…”  Though feeling frustrated, she couldn’t resist kissing the top of Benny’s head, loving his sweet, puppy smell and silky fur.  Surprisingly, the little dog turned, licked her chin, then walked around in circles several times on her lap before settling in peacefully and closing his eyes with a groan.  She picked her head up, smiling with amusement.  “He is irresistible, isn’t he?”  She sighed.  “Darling, this can’t last forever.  At least I don’t think it can.  In the meantime, though, it seems we need to work out a plan, some kind of system where we both feel supported.”  Sudden tears filled her eyes, spilling over before she could stop them.  Carol brought the back of her hand up to wipe her cheek, and when she made eye contact her expression was both scared and sad.  “I can’t keep score with you, Therese.  Please say we can work on this,” she whispered. 

 

     Carol’s tears, her honesty, and her vulnerability were like daggers to Therese’s own heart, and she sprang to her feet, coming quickly to the older woman’s side.  Therese put her arms around Carol’s shoulders, drew her golden blond head into her bosom, and then promptly began showering Carol’s hair and cheeks with kisses.  The young brunette murmured almost without her own knowledge, a steady stream of soft reassurances punctuated with more kisses.  “Carol…Carol…of course we can work.  I don’t want this, either…no keeping score…we’ll figure it out, both of us…both give a little…I’m not Harge…won’t be Harge…no, never…”  She kept up her loving ministrations until finally she found Carol’s lips, which Therese kissed softly, sweetly, and with deep tenderness.

 

     “Oh, darling, thank you.”  Carol took a shuddering breath, shaking her head with a wan smile on her face, a weary look in her eyes.  Therese reached out a gentle hand and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.  “You don’t have to thank me,” she whispered.  “I’m all the way in, Carol…good times, bad times, _incorrigible puppy times…_ ”  She kissed her again, their tongues meeting sweetly, and then both women jumped when the phone rang.

 

     Knowing they tried never to ignore a call, in case it might be Rindy, Therese muttered, “awful timing,” and then grabbed the receiver from its kitchen wall mounting.  “Hello, this is Therese,” she said in a slightly breathless voice.

 

     “Therese, hi dear, it’s Elaine Hartsell calling.  How are you and Carol and Benny doing?” she asked pleasantly.

 

     “Hi, Elaine, we’re all fine!” Therese replied, catching Carol’s eyes and rolling her own as she acknowledged her blatant lie.   “How are you and Sparky?  How’s the weather out on Long Island?”

 

     “Well, let’s see…the weather has been all winter, all the time.  Sparky loves it, of course.  I’m ready for it to be over with, though.  It’s too gray and cold already!  And I’m…well, I’m sad and lonely a lot, Therese, in all honesty.  Missing Maggie so much again.  The anniversary of her death is next month, and I’ve been kind of spiraling downward, unfortunately,” she answered, the last coming out in a soft voice.

 

     “Oh, Elaine.”  Therese grabbed at her heart, then reached for Carol’s hand.  “I’m so sorry!  I can’t imagine how hard it must be…the pain of missing her.  Can Carol and I do anything?  Would you like to come for a visit, you know, just to distract yourself?  Maybe train Benny for us?” she asked only half-kiddingly.

 

     Elaine sniffled, then laughed.  “Therese, it’s good to hear your voice!  And thanks for the offer, dear.  You’re so kind.  Actually, though, the reason I was calling was to see if the two of you might want to come out for a weekend visit.  You can bring Benny, of course, and we’ll have Sparky train him!  Alicia’s coming, too.”

 

     “Oh, that sounds wonderful!”  She began making hand gestures at Carol, hoping she could decipher Elaine’s generous invitation from her expansive movements.  “I’ll speak with Carol, but I can tell you right now, we’d probably love to come.  I…well, Elaine, I kind of lied! We’re not fine, either.  We’re exhausted from long work days and training Benny, and we’ve kind of been snapping at each other and just feeling _wore out.”_

 

     “Hmm.  So, none of us are really in a good place.  Alicia just got through telling me she’s missing Maggie, too, and is in a terrible pain crisis.  She was sipping whiskey while we talked!”

 

     Once again, Therese grabbed at her heart.  Alicia!  She had a wild urge to jump immediately in the car and drive to Albany.  “Oh, no!  Alicia!  In a pain crisis!  That sounds…should we go to her?  Never mind, I’ll call her myself, and l’ll talk with Carol right away… Elaine, thank you for thinking of us.  It may be just what we all need, do you suppose?”

 

     “I do, Therese.  I really do.”

 

 

  1. 2.1



 

     Carol came into the bedroom in a scented rush, her perfume following her on a gentle wave.  It was early evening and they were packing for the weekend on Long Island.  She fully expected to find Therese busily working on this task, but instead the young woman sat on the edge of the bed with Benny in her arms, stroking his ears absentmindedly while she stared into space.  Things were still feeling awkward between the two of them, and Carol felt very uncertain about what, if anything, she should say.

 

     The decision was made for her when Therese’s nose twitched, and she turned to look at Carol.  She smiled faintly.  “I love the fragrance you wear.  It soothes me,” she admitted with a certain shyness in her voice.

     Carol drew near and sat down next to the young brunette.  Reaching a hand over to feel Benny’s soft fur, she said, “I’m glad, sweetheart.  Is everything okay?  You seem distracted, just sitting here.  I thought for sure you’d be up and packing.”

 

     “I know.  I just got sidetracked by my thoughts, I guess,” Therese replied, sounding somewhat wistful.  “Can I ask you something?” At her question, she turned slightly so she could look directly at her companion, and Benny scampered away and made himself comfortable in the middle of their bed, curling up in a ball and promptly settling in for a nap.  With her head tilted in in curiosity, Carol nodded.  “Of course.  What do you need?”

 

     Therese shrugged her slender shoulders, hesitating for a moment.  “I just…well, I’m wondering…do you think I have what it takes to be a good partner for you?”  Carol blinked in surprise, her blue-gray eyes filling with concern at the direction of Therese’s thoughts.  Before she could say a single word, Therese blurted out, “I’m just feeling so uncertain lately, Carol.  There’s been this friction between us, and even though I can feel it, I have no idea how to make it go away!  And sometimes I think about how little experience I have in…in _this…_ ” She waved her arm expansively, indicating the bedroom around them, and then she seemed to crumple, tears coming to her eyes.  “What if I don’t have what it takes in the long run?  Just getting Benny has about made me crack apart!”

 

     Carol had heard enough.  She reached for one of Therese’s hands, drawing it into her lap, stroking the palm with her thumb.  “Therese, sweetheart, you must stop.  This beating yourself up…please stop!  It can’t be helpful!  You’re not inept.  You _do_ have what you need to be in our relationship because…well, because here we are!  We have been in this relationship, darling.  Both of us!  And lately it’s been… _bumpy_ …but we’re still here, making it through.”  She stopped, taking in the sight of her lovely girlfriend, whose eyes were downcast and slim shoulders slumped.  “Therese.  Look at me,” Carol commanded, and it took a few moments, but the younger woman raised her eyes, and it was as if the ocean roiled in their green depths.  Carol smiled gently, awash with love for the beautiful woman who sat next to her.  And she was aware it made her heart pound, her body tense with something indefinable and yet so very powerful.

 

     “Are you afraid, darling?  Are you scared I’ll leave?” Carol asked, still stroking Therese’s palm. _Oh_ _god, she seems so fragile right now.  Should I even be asking her this?  She looks like she could bolt at any second._ Therese nodded, her lithe body stiffening with tension.  But she spoke with an honest vulnerability that shook Carol, moved her deeply.  “Yes,” Therese whispered.  “I am.  Lately I…I think it’s my mother, Carol.  Her leaving me,” she explained, looking away now, gazing blankly at the bedroom rug, “I always thought…I’m afraid to need anything, to ask for anything.  With Benny…if I do it all, you won’t think I’m too needy.  Then you won’t leave me.”  She shook her head, which felt heavy with memory and sorrow and longing.  “But I’m getting run down, and I know I’ve been resentful and bitchy.  It’s complicated…”

 

     Carol took a deep breath, tucking a wayward lock of blond hair behind her ear, then reaching out to cup Therese’s cheek which felt so warm and soft beneath her hand.  She smiled an ironic smile.  “Let me tell you first that I’m not going to leave you, Therese, no matter how much you need me, no matter how much you ask…I won’t be like your mother, okay?  Like you said the other night, _I’m all in._   No matter what that means.”  She smiled again, and Therese thought as she had before that there may be no more beautiful sight in the world than Carol smiling.

 

     “I don’t know how we’ll work our way through this, sweetheart.  I think we have the same pattern.  We get afraid, for whatever reason…and then we each back away.  We’re like two boxers who won’t come out of our corners to shake hands.  You back away.  I back away.”  She shrugged her shoulders almost helplessly.  “We have this commandment. Have you noticed?  When we’re both stressed, it’s _Thou shalt not be vulnerable._ Which leaves us nowhere, really.  At least nowhere that’s helpful for _us.”_

 

     Therese had been nodding, agreeing, aching.  “I don’t know how to change it,” she whispered.  She seemed to sag, and an enormous weariness washed over her, as if the burden of training Benny, the burdens of her entire lifetime were now sitting directly on her slim, frail-looking shoulders, pushing her into the ground.  She sighed heavily, finding the courage to make eye contact.  “For right now,” she observed with a nod toward the sleeping Benny at the foot of their bed, “he’s sleeping.  Can we just take a break from packing, Carol?  Can you just lay with me?  Can we just hold each other?”

 

     And as much as there was to do, as much to get done, Carol knew there was nothing she wanted more at this moment.  She rose, kissing Therese on the top of her head, and made to pull the comforter and blankets back.  Kicking off her slippers, the tall, lovely blond crawled beneath the covers and lay down, feeling the pillowcase so cool and silky beneath her cheek.  Wordlessly, she held out an arm, and Therese followed her, disposing of her own house shoes and almost falling on the bed, into Carol’s warm embrace.

 

     “Oh,” Therese uttered, almost mindlessly.  But it’s all she could think to say at the moment, as she slid her arms around Carol’s waist.  It was all Carol.  Carol’s warmth.  Carol’s scent.  Carol’s soft skin beneath the tails of her button-down shirt. Th older woman shivered, aware, too, of the love and intimacy here, when they could both lay aside their armor, when they could be vulnerable and authentic and reveal their need for each other.

 

     Therese buried her face in Carol’s chest, loving the very smell of the woman.  For many minutes, she just breathed her in, like a deep-sea diver who had reached the ocean’s surface, splashing through to pure, life-giving oxygen.  The younger woman felt Carol inhaling deeply, too, her chest rising and falling slowly, rhythmically, her tense muscles relaxing and her spirit finding repose.

 

     “Carol?” Therese asked after they had lain in the quiet peace for a long while.  Tightening her arms, Carol kissed Therese’s forehead.  “Yes, darling?”

 

     “We have to figure out this thing with Benny.”

 

     Carol’s eyebrows creased.  “I know. We will.”

 

     “No, I mean, we _really_ need to figure it out.”  She paused.  “We have to be able to handle a dog, Carol.  Because someday, I really want to figure out how to have a baby.”

 

 

  1. 3



 

     The Packard sped along the quiet, country road, having made its way through and out of the frenetic energy of Manhattan, over bridges and around beltways to Long Island.  The weather was a rarity at the end of February in New York, with bright blue skies and pale, but uninterrupted sunshine.  Therese sat in the passenger seat, gazing out at the passing stands of towering pines and feeling the grime and stress of her work life fading away.  Glancing over at Carol, who piloted the big car so confidently, the younger woman thought perhaps she, too, was feeling the release, the relief, and the relaxation that seemed to seep into her bones much like the ocean’s waves were weaving their way into the beaches surrounding them.  Carol had a dreamy smile on her face and a glow in her blue-gray eyes this morning, making Therese catch her breath at her radiant loveliness.  _The woman looks like a painting that belongs in the_ _Louvre. Jesus!  It’s a joy just to lay eyes on her._

 

     Therese brought a hand to her throat, almost unconsciously, feeling the accelerated pulse beneath her fingertips.  In a quiet voice she asked, “What are you smiling at, Carol?  Can I ask?”  Her companion looked over for the merest instant before training her eyes back on the road.

 

     “Hmm…well, to be honest, I’ve been fantasizing for a few minutes.”  She paused to smile that dreamy smile again, then laughed lightly.  “Ever since you dropped your bomb about wanting to have a baby someday, I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”

 

     Therese laughed, too, visions of dark-haired infants filling her mind’s eye.  “I know…it can be the most enticing thought…but really just a fantasy, you know?  For one thing, there’s the Benny issue,” she commented, with a look over her shoulder at the small dog slept who was sleeping peacefully on the back seat, “and for another, I’m not sure I even have the right to be a mother, Carol,” she added, a wistful longing clear in her voice.

 

     Her companion erupted. “ _What?_ What in the world…”  Much to Therese’s surprise, she felt them slowing down, and then Carol steered the car smoothly to the gravel roadside, its tires crunching underneath in a strangely satisfying way.  Shifting into park, she spun around in her seat, facing Therese with her eyes ablaze and twin spots of color blossoming on her sculpted cheekbones.  “Now darling, tell me, where in the world is this thought coming from?  _You don’t have a right to be a_ _mother?_  Since when?”

Therese almost felt blown backward by the force of Carol’s energy, shrinking against the Packard’s door unconsciously.  Licking her lips, she replied, “Well, I…I just…Well, it seems…”  She paused, clearly frustrated.  “Carol, how in the world can I ever hope to be a mother when I never had one?”  There was such painful agony in her voice that Carol cringed, her face crumpling in empathic despair.  “Therese…darling…”  The lovely blond woman scooted across the seat until she was close enough to take one of Therese hands in her own, while the other reached out to cup her smooth, unlined cheek.  She took a breath before speaking.

 

     “Sweetheart, you have as much a right to be a mother as any other woman!” she assured the young brunette with earnest passion in her voice, her eyes a darkening blue.  “You know there’s no requirement, though maybe there should be, considering how your mother was to you!  But there’s not, and all of us mothers are mothering imperfectly.  We’re all imperfect, wounded humans.  All of us!  I think it comes with the territory,” she muttered, knowing in her heart she was speaking a truth she was living.  Carol brought Therese’s hand to her lips, kissing its palm softly, then laying it against her cheek.

    

     “You don’t need to have had a mom to be a mom, darling.  And even if you did, you were blessed with Alicia!  Your mom abandoned you, but God gave you her.”  She blinked, surprised as always, when thoughts of God came into her consciousness.

 

     And suddenly, thankfully, Therese watched the directions of her thoughts change, almost as if she’d come upon a “wrong way” or “one way only” sign on the road.  “Alicia!” she whispered, so softly Carol could barely hear her.  “Alicia!  Yes!  I should be thinking about the way _she_ mothered me, shouldn’t I?”

 

     Carol nodded.  “I certainly think so.  I really do, darling.  She gave you motherly love, whether you came from her womb or not, whether she was a celibate nun, or not!  I would think Alicia taught you a lot about what good, loving mothers do… She teaches me that, for heaven’s sake.”  Her eyes narrowed fiercely.  “And I can’t— _I won’t_ —listen to you talk about the right to be a mother, Therese. That’s the bullshit I lived through with Harge and—” Her head snapped around angrily.  “I won’t have it.”

 

     Therese took in her companion’s rich, deeply layered expression and found herself feeling more confident, bonded with Carol in a somehow sacred sisterhood.  She took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders.  “So…maybe I should focus on what Alicia _did_ give me, instead of what my mother took from me?”

 

     “Yes! You must, darling.  And she gave you so much!  Think about how much love you have to give, Therese.  It’s amazing, really.  I’m always so moved by that.  By your depth of love and emotion and feeling.  Think of how much love you’ve given Rindy!  And if you had a baby… _we_ would raise it.  It would have both our love, right?”  Carol’s face took on a glow of anticipation, one that surprised her young partner.

 

     “You would really be open to it, wouldn’t you?” Therese asked, surprise evident in her tone.

 

     Carol nodded, squeezing Therese’s fingertips so hard it hurt.  “Oh, yes!  Yes, I would!  I told you that the other day.  As a matter of fact, I keep thinking about it, imagining Rindy with a younger sibling, imagining you as a mom, me with an infant in the house…us with a child _we_ would raise.”  She shook herself, then leaned over to kiss the younger woman’s cheek.  She kissed her once more, giving her a dazzling smile, then moved back to the driver’s seat, put the car in gear and pointed them back onto the road.

 

     The women were quiet for a few minutes, the car humming along smoothly as the pines looked down on them.  Therese realized the trees comforted her, made her feel embraced by something bigger and stronger and benevolent.  She breathed deeply.  “Carol?”

 

     “Yes, sweetheart?”

 

     “Alicia would say to pray about this, you know.  Do you pray?”

 

     The older woman’s chest rose.  “Sometimes,” she admitted honestly.  “As long as I don’t wonder too much about who I’m praying to.  Then I think too much to pray.”

 

     “Me, too,” Therese confided, pausing again, taking in the towering trees, the deep green boughs that seemed to dance to a whispered waltz, and craning her neck to watch a red-tailed hawk gliding on thermals so effortlessly in took her breath away.  “Carol,” she breathed, “we need to pray, okay?”

 

     “Yes, darling.  I know.”

 

 

                                      _____________________________________________

 

     Benny awoke from his sleep almost instantaneously as the Packard came to a stop on the gravel drive outside Elaine’s door.  His small head shot up like an Atlas rocket, he yipped and barked and paced on the seat, and when Therese opened the car door it was as if the rocket blasted off.  He moved in a blur, a little black dog running in circles so fast his own tail could hardly keep up.

 

     It wasn’t a minute before the house door opened and Sparky came bounding down the steps.  His “Woof!  Woof!  Woof!” reverberated through the cold air, its deep, bass chords in striking contrast to Benny’s more falsetto yips.  The two dogs immediately began to chase each other, and despite his size, Sparky moved quickly after the blazing Benny.

 

     Therese observed the dogs’ welcome with such delight and relief that she leaned against the car and promptly burst into tears.  Elaine approached, bundled into a light blue, Irish woolen sweater, with duck boots on her feet.  “Hello!  Welcome!  Carol!  Therese!  Therese?”  Concern filled her warm voice as she drew closer and noticed the tears on the young brunette’s cheeks.  “Are you okay?”

 

     Carol’s blond head turned, her eyebrows coming together as she reached a hand to Therese’s shoulder.  “Darling?  What’s wrong?”  The dark hair waved from side to side, and Therese brought a hand up to her sniffling nose.  “Nothing!  Nothing’s wrong!  I’m just so, so happy Benny has someone besides me to play with!  It’s such a relief!” 

 

     Carol and Elaine surrounded the younger woman with their arms, laughing and murmuring nonsensible but reassuring, mothering sounds.  “Oh my, Therese!  I’m so glad you’re here, dear.  That little dynamo will have a pal the whole time!  Sparky will love it, and you’ll both get a much-needed break!  Puppies are 24/7, aren’t they?  Come on now…come in.  Alicia is here and waiting,” Elaine urged softly.  She paused, encompassing both Carol and a now composed Therese in her gaze.  “Just so you know…Alicia’s not feeling so good at the moment.  I drove her down last night, and the trip really took it out of her.”  She smiled, her fondness for the nun reflected clearly on her face. 

 

     “I think we’re going to spend a good part of this weekend all patching each other up,” Elaine observed, “and it’s going to be wonderful!”  With that, she turned, put her fingers under her tongue and whistled with such a loud shriek that her companions jumped.  “Sparky!  Benny!  Come on guys!  Sparky!  Snack time.”  At those words, the huge Newfoundland skidded to a complete stop, reversed direction, and came barreling toward the three waiting women, Benny barking wildly and scampering behind him.

 

     Carol laughed, delight filling her voice, her flawless cheeks flushing with joy.  “Oh, what a pair!  How good for them both!  Come, Benny!  Let’s go see Alicia.”

 

     Therese couldn’t wait to go inside, anxious to see Alicia, whom she’d talked to but not seen since Christmas.  But upon entering the family room, where a fire glowed in the grate and the pale blue walls were tinged with lilac in the late morning light, the old Franciscan nun was nowhere to be found.  While the dogs woofed and whimpered for a treat, and Carol contemplated whether to grab a few bags from the car before changing her mind, Therese went straight to the guest room.

 

     She gasped the moment she saw Alicia.  The old nun lay under a paisley comforter, her back and shoulders propped up on a few plump pillows.  Her eyebrows were furrowed above her closed eyes, and she seemed to be trying to focus on taking deep breaths.  But it was her face which stopped the younger woman in her tracks and made tears flood her emerald eyes. Usually full, round, and flushed with the heat of life, the old nun’s countenance now looked almost gaunt, lined, and weary with the weight of her years.  Therese felt her heart clench and was certain a physical pain shot through her.  She hurried to the bedside.

 

     “Alicia?  Alicia?” she whispered, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep, and yet still desperately hoping her dear friend and mother figure would open her eyes.  Stroking the back of one of the nun’s weathered hands with light fingertips, Therese was horrified to feel the tears overflow their banks and begin rushing unheeded down her cheeks.  _No!  Now it’s time to be here for Alicia!  Get a grip, Therese._ The young woman was working so hard to control herself she neither heard Carol and Elaine step lightly into the bedroom, nor saw Alicia open her deep blue eyes, only to peer at her with concern.

 

     “Therese, dear heart, why are you crying?  Are you okay, darling?”  That Alicia, who was obviously in discomfort, had lost weight, and looked so very weary, would think to ask about her wellbeing first, was Therese’s undoing.  She crumpled, falling in a heap atop the nun’s knees, beginning to cry in earnest.  “Alicia, Alicia!” she hiccupped, “you look so thin, and tired…” she sniffled, “your face is pale and…”  She stopped, lifting her face, and her brow furrowed stormily.  “Uh-oh,” Alicia whispered just before Therese cried out, _“Why didn’t you let me know you were in this condition?”_

 

     Unable to help herself, Alicia burst out laughing, huge guffaws that shook her chest and shoulders and didn’t stop even as she grimaced in pain and reached for her hip.  She kept laughing, and it was infectious, and soon Carol and Elaine were laughing, too, while the youngest woman among them looked around in bewilderment.  “Ah, Therese, Therese!  How wonderful to see you, child!  I see some things haven’t changed since you were little,” she observed, and then burst out in another bout of laughter.

 

     “What’s so funny?”  Therese asked after a while, and Alicia reached for her hand, squeezing it in reassurance.  “Oh, darling girl, it’s just that you’re irresistible to me, and you always have been, since your earliest years.  Always so kind and sensitive and gentle at heart, and yet with a quick temper that could set a room ablaze!”  She shook her head with fondness, and some of her trademark energy made its way back into her weary eyes.

 

     “But Alicia, I’m serious!” Therese chastised.  “Look at you!  You’ve obviously been suffering, you look thin and drawn and— _why didn’t you tell me?_ ”  The nun relaxed back into the pillows before she answered.  “So you could do what, sweet girl?  Worry about me from several hundred miles away?  I’m okay.  I’ve just been in a rather bad pain crisis, is all.”

 

     Carol, Elaine, and Therese all seemed to murmur their disagreement simultaneously, and Carol spoke.   “Alicia,” she said as she drew nearer the bed, reaching out to grasp the old woman’s forearm.  “I’m not saying Therese or I could have taken your physical pain away, but we could have been calling to offer support, or come up on a weekend and done your laundry and made you drink hot tea, and certainly, we both would have been praying for your relief on a daily basis,” she finished in a gentle voice.

 

     “Me, too, Alicia,” Elaine added in a much more commanding one, though she stroked Alicia’s shin beneath the blanket with a tender hand.

 

     The nun looked from one woman to the next, a humble grace softening the creases of pain that had lined her face for so many weeks.  “Oh, you dear, dear women,” she whispered.  “Thank you…for confronting me.  At the convent, only mother superior does that, and I ignore her regularly!  But there, I don’t have friends, I don’t have—” She stopped, looking at the places on her body where Carol, Elaine, and Therese were all touching her.  “Do you know how very little I am physically touched?  How rarely most nuns experience touch in general, unless we’re giving the hugs?”  She closed her eyes, taking a deep, nourishing breath, exhaling slowly and relaxing her tight grasp on the comforter.  “It feels so _healing_.  So _wonderfully healing_.” 

 

     Therese came forward another step or two, so she could run the backs of her fingers along Alicia’s brow.  She tilted her head, humming unconsciously.  “So, let us touch you, Alicia.  Tell us what you need.”  There was an openness to the invitation, a pure generosity of spirit that moved Alicia deeply.

 

     “Oh…you bless me, girls!  Please!  Please just…touch me like you are.  Let me feel your warm hands.  It distracts from the pain.  Thank you!” she whispered fervently.  “Thank you!  I’m just going to close my eyes and pray, and I’ll start with _thank you_ …” 

 

     The three women kept touching and caressing, and Therese kept humming in a soothing, melodic voice.  Occasionally they looked at one another, smiling with their eyes as well as lips, joined in this unexpected and yet undeniable mission of bringing Alicia relief and comfort. 

 

     Outside the window, the crows circled, crying out to one another.  The wind whispered in the pines, where the bent branches bowed as if in prayer.  The steel gray waves spilled ashore in frothing frenzy, and countless grains of sand sank ever deeper in the surf.

 

     Inside, Alicia slept, her face peaceful, her body free.

 

CH 4

 

     It was early afternoon before Alicia woke, feeling stiff and yet relaxed and refreshed from several hours’ sleep.  As she made her way into Elaine’s living room, she could hear the murmur of the three women’s voices, Carol’s deepest of all, as always.  She tried to move gracefully and quietly, loathe to interrupt what was obviously a pleasant conversation between the friends who were bonded already, yet still getting to know one another.  As she peered around the corner, she could see them with their cups of tea, Therese leaning close to Carol’s shoulder on the sofa, and Elaine in the upholstered chair.  On Sparky’s bed slept the two black dogs, one huge, one small, with Benny curled in a ball near Sparky’s hind legs.  A fire glowed softly in the hearth, soothing Alicia as she gazed on the golden embers while listening to the crackling that always seemed to slow her pulse.

 

     “Alicia!  You’re awake!  How are you?  Come sit,” Elaine directed with a look over her shoulder, her silver-hair delightfully tinged with lavender and orange.  She sprang to her feet with the agility of one much younger than her seventy-one years, waving a hand.  “Come.  Come sit while I go get you a cup of tea.”  The Franciscan nun made her way carefully to the sofa, her cane grasped firmly in hand.  As she drew near, Therese stood and gestured to the spot she’d vacated.  “You sit here, Alicia.  I’ll go grab a dining room chair.”  Smiling, the young brunette came to her mother figure, placing her hands on Alicia’s shoulders and sizing her up with a tilt of her lovely, fine-boned face.  Then she leaned and kissed her soft cheek.  “You look so much better!  Not in so much pain, and more rested!  Now sit,” she commanded.

 

     Alicia chuckled as she made herself comfortable on the sofa, and Carol noted, “She’s young and small, but mighty and formidable, isn’t she?”  The nun laughed again.  “Carol, Shakespeare has a quote that I’ve always thought fits Therese perfectly: _“And though she is but little, she is fierce.”_

 

     Therese came back lugging the chair, and Elaine appeared with Alicia’s tea, placing it on the coffee table where it sat steaming.  “Who’s fierce?” asked their host.

 

     “Yes…don’t leave me out!  Who’s fierce?” Therese asked.  The other women looked at each other with raised eyebrows, and then pointedly at the young brunette.  She shook her head.  “Me? _I’m_ _fierce?”_ She had such a bemused look on her face that Carol couldn’t resist getting gracefully to her feet and kissing Therese’s cheek.  “Yes, darling,” she murmured.  “Fierce, spirited, and…irresistible.” 

 

     Alicia chuckled.  “Therese, dear one, you were fierce, I think, from the moment you were born.  You’ve never changed that I can see!  But don’t!  I wouldn’t know how to handle it if you didn’t get hopping mad…like you were a little while ago.”

 

     Therese’s brow creased stormily once again, and she huffed indignantly.  “And it’s a good thing!  _Someone_ has to tell you what you need to hear, Alicia.   How come,” she hesitated a beat, “how come you don’t listen to your Mother Superior?  Doesn’t she help you?”

 

     The old nun had the grace to bow her head, pausing and contemplating before replying.  “Therese, darling, why do any of us do the ill-advised things we do?  St. Paul wrote about always doing the things he didn’t want to do, and not being able to do the things he knew he was supposed to…That’s me!     Mother Superior is a wise and supportive woman.  She knows me well.”  She sighed, picking up her tea and taking a sip.  “I’m a proud and stubborn old thing, though.  I push myself too hard, and recently I don’t think I’m even taking my pain meds as prescribed.”

 

     The other three women went still, and Elaine asked the obvious question.  “Alicia, why in the world would you stop taking your pain meds correctly?  You know how run down you get when you have a lot of pain,” she observed as gently as possible.

 

     Alicia looked at each of her companions, and her gaze was open and honest.  But her fingers twisted around themselves, a sign of her lingering, inner agitation.  “Well…I was just laying in bed thinking about this.  Lord help me, but I feel like such a failure!  Like I’m failing God, and St. Francis, and my vows…”  Her voice held a kind of heart-wrenching turmoil.

 

     Perplexed, Carol leaned over and squeezed Alicia’s forearm.  “Alicia, forgive me, but you are the last person I could ever imagine letting God down…or failing your vows.  Why…where is this coming from?”  Carol looked at Elaine and Therese, feeling completely out of her league and needing their support.  “Yes, you are the closest thing I know to… a saint.  I don’t understand, either,” Therese added. 

 

     Sparky, bless his canine heart, chose that moment to awaken from his nap, perhaps sensing the charged emotional atmosphere.  He yawned hugely before standing and shaking himself, his large black ears flapping, the loud reverberation almost startling in the waiting silence. Then the mild-mannered Newfoundland came to stand before Alicia, looking at her with doleful eyes as he placed a large paw on her knee.  The nun startled, then laughed.  “Oh, my goodness, Sparky.  Are you concerned, too?  Come here.  There’s a good boy,” she murmured softly, scratching the silky fur under his chin.  After a moment or two, he lay down directly on top of her serviceable shoes, emitting a lengthy groan.

 

     “He knows, Alicia,” Elaine nodded, “he’s sensitive in a way many people aren’t.  I’m sure he can feel your… _suffering._  How can we help?  You know me.  I’m seasoned when it comes to journeying with someone who’s suffering.”  Her tone was wistful and so full of memory, Carol felt a lump in her throat, and Therese’s hand flew to the heart region of her chest.

 

     With tears in her eyes, Alicia replied, “Elaine, dear.  I think about Maggie so much. My heart aches. I feel _small._ She was so brave, so strong…and me.  I’m nothing like her!  I have hip dysplasia, a torn ligament, arthritis…Maggie had terminal cancer, for heaven’s sake!  Can you even think of one time she complained?”  Without waiting for an answer, she continued, “I can’t!  She fought until she couldn’t fight anymore.  And then, she accepted her path.  Me…I’m in my room at the convent, wailing away in my prayers…just so weak…can’t do much out in the community anymore…”

 

     Therese couldn’t take it anymore.  “Alicia!” she shouted, loudly enough that Benny awoke, springing to his feet and running to the young woman, flinging his little body into her arms.  Struggling to control the mutt, who had proceeded to begin licking Therese’s chin, cheeks, and ears, she went on, “you must stop!  What are you doing, comparing yourself to your sister?  You’re _you,_ and no one else, and I just can’t stand to hear you diminish yourself this way!  Until Carol,” Therese said forcefully, fire in her emerald eyes when she caught her girlfriend’s gaze, after which she whipped her head back around and practically pinned her beloved mother figure to the wall with the twin lasers, “no one had ever loved me but you!  No one!  Without you, I’d never have found the slightest shred of self-worth or self-acceptance.”

 

       “And not just me!” Therese thundered on, “hundreds of children!  You gave _hundreds of children_ your love…maybe the only love they’d ever felt…and I can’t stand to hear you say you’re not strong, or you’ve failed God, or you’re not who Maggie was…”  She stopped, so overwhelmed with emotion she couldn’t speak anymore.

 

     Carol reached over for Therese’s hand, squeezing it with reassurance.  Then she turned her elegant blond head toward the old nun, a curtain of blond hair falling across her cheek like swaths of golden, wind-blown wheat.  “Therese is right, Alicia.  Maybe you’ve been too run down, because you’re not seeing yourself clearly.  Maybe you’ve been in too much pain to think clearly…or pray clearly.  I don’t know,” Carol admitted, “I know very little about prayer, or God.” 

 

       “But really, Alicia…this God you pray to…always has a face of mercy and compassion.  I would think God would be practically crying when you’re in such pain.  Not judging you a failure because you can’t do what you once could.”  She stopped to take a breath, startled at the depth of her feelings, looking around for her teacup and taking a grateful sip. 

 

     No one spoke for several minutes.  The wall clock ticked away, its steady, uninterrupted beat somehow reassuring.  The fire hissed and crackled, asking for only oxygen in exchange for the smoldering warmth it offered.  The dogs slept once again, their chests rising as if they were breathing in synchronous meditation.  And the four friends sat, quietly sipping from their cups, until finally, Alicia spoke.

 

     “Well my dears, you’re right, of course.  All of you. About it all.”  Her dark blue eyes brightened with unshed tears as she looked from one woman to the next.  “I forgot somehow.  The pain has made me forget.”  She clucked her tongue. “It crowded out what I know in my _heart._ The things only the heart can know…”  She clasped her hands together and then made the sign of the cross, an act that was unconsciously beautiful, like the graceful, practiced pirouette of a dancer who’d danced a lifetime.  Then Alicia shook her head.

 

     “What _is_ this I do?  Comparing myself…always coming up short…never good enough, never being enough, never doing enough…”  Her voice faded away in frustration.

 

     Carol cleared her throat and took a deep breath.  “You don’t have the market cornered on that one, Alicia.  I do the same, you know.  Am I as smart as her?  As beautiful?  I have more wrinkles around my eyes…it goes on and on sometimes,” she confessed with moving honesty.  Therese looked at Carol with raised eyebrows.  “Carol?  I had no idea.  You’re so beautiful,” the young brunette stated in a mystified voice. 

 

     The lovely blond rolled her eyes.  “Therese darling, if you must know…I compare myself to you, too!  My…well…my _boobs_ are heading south quickly!  Unlike yours,” Carol very succinctly said with a nod to her partner’s chest.  Therese’s eyes widened, and Elaine blurted out, “Oh, please, don’t even tell me about boobs going south!  I’m seventy-one, you know.  My head starts in New York and by the time you reach my chest you’re in Florida!”

 

     At this, all four women burst out laughing, deep belly laughs erupting with joy and freedom and the unspoken but deeply felt common bonds being discovered amongst them.  Alicia’s eyes twinkled merrily, a sight not seen for many weeks, lighting up her thinned face with the cherubic glow that they’d all come to know and expect.  The nun felt it, too, the bright, crisp energy of love washing over her being like a shaft of sunlight spilling onto a darkened forest floor.  _Thank you, Lord.  Thank you._

 

     “Elaine, dear,” Alicia interjected, “would you be so kind as to bring me the Irish whiskey from my suitcase?  I think now would be the perfect time for a toast and a drink, don’t you?”  Carol and Therese nodded their agreement as Elaine rose immediately and headed for the guest room.

 

     “I couldn’t agree more,” Carol added as she went to the kitchen to get the shot glasses.  Therese looked over at Alicia, amusement showing plainly on her face.  “Alicia,” she noted, “I don’t know why, but I never figured a Franciscan nun as someone who would suggest this toast.”

 

     Alicia laughed, her blue eyes growing ever brighter.  She shook her head.  “Therese, dear, there’s a lot about me you don’t know.  Even Catholic nuns like a drink now and then.  And heavens, dear one, I’m Irish.  Maggie had me doing shots when I was fourteen!”

 

     “Alicia, you are…”  The younger woman came to the old nun, kissing her powder-soft cheeks repeatedly.  Then she squeezed her shoulders gently.  “I just love you,” she sighed, kissing the top of Alicia’s head with tenderness.

 

     Elaine had poured the whiskey and handed each of the friends a glass.  “Okay!” she announced.  “What are we toasting?”

 

     “Caring friends.”  “Beach houses!”  “Vulnerability…and acceptance.”   “A compassionate, merciful God.”  “Graying hair and falling boobs!”  “Beautiful girlfriends!”  “Being good enough.”  “Faithful dogs and…puppies that drive you crazy?”

 

     “And Maggie,” Elaine breathed, “dear sister, brave woman, faithful lover and…forever friend.”

 

     “Here-here!”

 

                                           _____________________________________________

 

     Dinner was long over with, the dogs had enjoyed another frolic on the beach under a starlit sky, several hands of gin rummy had been played, and Alicia and Elaine had gone off to bed.  Now, Therese and Carol were cuddled on the sofa with an exhausted Benny curled up once again next to Sparky, who was sound asleep on his bed, his broad, coal black chest rising and falling in rhythmic, gentle breaths.  The fire cast the only light into the living room, its gold and orange flames licked with blue darts, its gentle crackle and hiss an invitation to relaxation.

 

     Therese looked at the dogs through hooded eyelids and sighed.  “Look at him, Carol.  Benny is completely worn out, and he wasn’t a little monster even once today.  I wish Sparky was our neighbor and the two of them could play all the time, don’t you?”  Carol tightened her arms around her, kissing Therese’s forehead tenderly.  “I had that thought a few minutes ago, sweetheart.  But who knows…maybe a new neighbor will move in with a dog to be the perfect playmate for Benny.  We could get lucky,” she mused.  “And if not, we’ll have to figure out some way to wear him out that doesn’t involve him wearing us out.”

 

     A few minutes passed before the younger woman spoke again.  “Carol?” The blond brushed her lips back and forth against the silken skin of Therese’s cheek, breathing in her warm scent.  “Yes, darling?”  Therese caught her breath when she felt Carol’s nose make its way to the sensitive skin just behind her ear.  “I…it’s hard to think when you’re doing that,” she whispered, her breathing hitched.  “Do you want me to stop?” Carol asked, kissing her there.

 

     I…oh…my,” Therese breathed, “no, don’t stop, please…I just…I haven’t wanted… _this_ …for so long.  I’ve been angry.  And so tired.”  Carol kissed a path from ear to jawline to chin and up to lips, Therese’s soft, full lips.  She paused, hovering.  “I know,” Carol replied, “me, too.  Stressed at work, stressed with worry that Benny will pee on the sofa…”  She pulled back, cupping Therese’s cheek and gazed into the young woman’s eyes, liquid like an obsidian pool in the faint light.

 

     “My worst stress,” Carol whispered, “is feeling a wall between us, Therese.”  She ran a thumb over her bottom lip, and Therese felt every nerve ending tingle with anticipation.  “You’re my home base, sweetheart.  Our friendship… _this loving_ …it keeps me rooted and I…” Her darkened blue eyes were a portal to the mysterious depths of her very soul.  She took a shuddering breath.  “Our intimacy terrifies me sometimes but…I keep wanting to go deeper…I can’t help myself…”

 

     Carol kissed Therese then, swooping down and taking her lips, pouring out her pent-up feelings, her love and fear and vulnerabilities and the pieces of her soul far too beautiful for words.  Their lips and tongues moved with passion as the two women reveled in this sweet communion, in the mysterious grace of naked truth and longing.  “Darling,” Carol whispered against her lips, pausing to catch her breath, “I need to love you tonight.”

 

     Therese sighed, then kissed her cheek which smelled like Carol and earth and flame.  “I need to love you, too.”  They kissed again, moist tongues dancing, clothed bodies moving against one another in delightful anticipation.  “We’ll have to be quiet.”

 

     “There’s a nun in the house.”

 

     “She wouldn’t mind…but no sounds.  Oh, but I love to make sounds!”

 

     “No sounds!”

 

     “Carol?”  Heat washed over her body like molten lava, loosening her limbs, bringing her to life.

 

     “Yes darling…tell me.”

 

     “I want to kiss your fallen nipples!”

 

     “Oh my god.  Therese!”

 

 

              

  1. 5 Dawn



    

     Carol woke in the middle of the night to use the restroom.  Upon returning to the bedroom, she gazed at the bed, dusted by pieces of moonbeam filtering in through the blinds that looked like silken strands fallen from a celestial web.  Therese lay on her back under the comforter, one slender shoulder exposed.  Her face was bathed in moonlight, its finely sculpted bones casting shadows on delicate hollows.  Carol stopped, mesmerized by her beauty.  _A woodland nymph.  My lover_ _is a woodland nymph, out playing in the forest at midnight._

The older woman was seized by a shaft of desire that shot from her eyes straight to her toes, quickening her pulse and making her veins begin to hum like she’d been electrified and set aglow.  Tossing her robe aside, she climbed in bed gently, only to slide across the warm sheets and pull her body close to the sleeping Therese.  She put an arm around her slender waist as she leaned over, bringing her lips to the young woman’s neck, which smelled like soap and sex. Inhaling, Carol felt somehow comforted and yet scintillated.  _Darling, I’m sorry to wake you…no, I’m not.  I want you and need you_ _and can’t stop from loving you right now…this very moment…_

 

     She began to kiss a sensuous line along Therese’s jaw, from one side to the next, her tongue tasting the salty, silken skin.  A restless hand moved up and over her ribs until it reached a soft breast, palming it gently.  Unable to contain herself, Carol moved the blankets out of the way, dipping her blond head and capturing the nipple between her lips.

 

     Therese stirred awake with a groan.  “Oh, Carol…”  She felt the soft blond hair splayed across her chest like a light breeze, her hands coming awake to tangle in the satiny locks, pressing Carol’s head closer.  She groaned again, and Carol’s head shot up.  “Shh!  No sounds, darling,” she whispered with meaning.  “Remember where we are!”  Then she brought her lips back to Therese’s breast, her moist tongue coming out and circling around the rigid peak, a movement that caused Carol herself to almost growl, deep in her chest.

 

     _“Jesus!”_ Carol felt Therese’s fingers pinch her nipple, and a sheen of perspiration broke out across her back and across her flushed cheeks.  “ _Therese_ …”  They sought each other’s mouths, their lips crushed together and moist tongues tangling.  Therese felt breathless with an ever-deepening passion, her hips already thrusting toward Carol, who moved quickly atop her.  Unable to resist her milky-white breast, so pale and beguiling in the moonlight, Carol once again took Therese’s nipple in her mouth, tonguing it while her fingers found her other breast, rolling the nipple between her thumb and forefinger.

 

     “Mm…” the young brunette whispered, her breathing hitched and throat scratchy, her pelvis gyrating.    “Carol…”  Picking her head up, Carol looked at Therese, her blue eyes dark, fierce, and almost wild with a yearning passion.  The older woman’s breath caught in her throat at her impossible beauty, at the air of unconscious sexiness and innocent seduction painted in light and shadow.  She briefly put both hands on Therese’s shoulders, bringing her lips close to her ear.  “I love you so much.  So much,” she whispered roughly, her own hips meeting the younger woman’s thrusts.  “I have to have you, honey.”

 

     Carol kissed her way down Therese’s torso, absorbed in the smooth, creamy skin, the warmth, the scent of Therese.  When she reached her abdomen, she parted the young woman’s thighs easily, stroking the smooth skin with a featherlight touch.  When brought her lips to her center and tasted her, Therese flinched, gasping into the pale moonlight, now heated by passion and pulsating with an earthy beat.

 

     “Oh god, Carol, please…” Therese whispered through closed eyelids, her face flushed, her skin heated, her hands grasping ineffectively at the bedclothes.  “Please…”  Carol murmured soft sounds with no meaning, her heart pounding in her throat as she explored her lover’s moist, swollen folds with her lips and tongue.  She slowly slid her fingers into Therese’s innermost place, feeling like an instrument being played by some grand, mysterious musician, moving to a melody she was born to live out. She felt herself expanding in wordless wonder, like a star shooting across the vast, endless expanse of the heavens.

_My love, our love, this love…it’s bigger than the two of us._ The awareness seeped into her being, filling all the cracks and crevices with the most beautiful light, and she wanted to pour it into Therese, whose writhing, thrusting body continued its sensual dance. The young brunette had her mouth open and head thrown back, making small, whimpering sounds, until she grabbed Carol’s head and held it while her body spasmed violently.  When finally Therese stilled, Carol kissed her way up her lovely form, a sheen of perspiration glistening on her own glowing face.  Settling herself on one of the younger woman’s slender thighs, Carol began to move, thrusting in determined fashion.  She felt helpless in the face of her powerful needs and desires, neither wanting nor needing to do anything but follow where they would take her with Therese by her side.

 

     The two women gazed deeply into each other’s eyes, unable to look away.  Their lips touched, and Carol moaned.  “Therese…please…stay with me now.  Go with me,” she whispered roughly.

 

     “I’m here, Carol,” Therese answered, unable to stop herself from placing soft, sweet kisses all over the older woman’s cheeks, chin, and forehead.  “I’m right here.  I’m with you.”

 

     Closing her eyes as she neared her own climax, Carol panted and gasped.  “No more, sweetheart.  We can never…stop loving each other… like this…for so long again.”  And then her head dropped to Therese’s chest as her pelvis stilled, and then shuddered, spasms shaking her body, over and over again.  “Ah…Therese!  Oh god…”

 

     Therese held Carol tightly, raining more kisses upon her heated face, until eventually they both stopped moving but for the thudding of their hearts.  After a while, Carol slid to Therese’s side, pulling her near, tucking her face in the hollow of her throat where her pulse still hammered wildly.  No words were spoken, and none were needed. 

 

     They slept again, arms entwined around each other.  The moon began to fade, as dawn touched their bed with her gentle fingers of light.

 

                                                   _________________________________________

 

  1. 5 Early Morning



 

     Bam!  Therese’s startled eyes flew open, only to realize Benny had flung his body on her sleeping form with the force of a small tornado.  The little dog proceeded to plant his paws on her collarbones and commence a tongue bath, licking her face with gusto.  She groaned.  “Benny!  Stop!  Down, boy,” she commanded, though in her drowsy, bleary-eyed state her tone wasn’t likely to convince a mouse.  Benny continued licking, until Therese’s hands came up from under the blankets to protect her face.  She groaned again, sitting up and eyeing the pup, who sat looking at her now with his evil little tongue hanging out.

 

     “Benny!” she grumbled.  “If you weren’t so adorable I’d let the ocean take you wherever it wanted.”  She looked over her shoulder at Carol, sound asleep with only the top half of her face visible, her golden blond hair fanned out on the blue, flannel-covered pillow.  Leaning, Therese kissed her cheek, almost tossing Benny to the floor in the process.  Then the young woman swung her legs over the side of the bed. 

 

     “C’mon, Benny.  I know, it’s time to go out.  Let’s go find your buddy,” Therese directed, pulling a pair of warm fleece pants and wool socks from the pile on the bedside chair.  As she put her clothes on, Benny began to bark in excitement, pawing at the floor and spinning in circles.  “Benny, shh!  Don’t wake the whole house!  Come on, let’s go.”  Sparky was waiting in the hallway outside the bedroom, his sizeable black tail thumping the floor so ferociously that Therese giggled.

 

     “Well, Sparky!  You certainly are telling me something, aren’t you?” she asked in a soft voice, giving him a scratch beneath his chin.  He joined Benny in pawing the floor, a baritone rumble coming from deep in his throat.  Therese giggled again, moving through the kitchen and to the side door, where she grabbed her warm coat while thrusting her stocking feet in Elaine’s winter boots.  She barely had the door opened before the two dogs shot out, barking and woofing and bursting immediately into a game of tag.

 

     Therese took a breath, filling her lungs with cold, crisp air while her eyes adjusted to the early morning light.  Clouds hung low in the sky, scattered in grayish-white bunches touched with orange and pink from the rising sun, riding close to the horizon still.  Sparky and Benny had sprinted madly to the shore and were now barking at the relatively small waves washing upon the beach in endless, blue-green promise.  The sight filled Therese with joy, and then a sense of calm that washed over her as if she, too, was a grain of sand on the beach.

 

     She managed to find a dry patch and sat, pulling her legs underneath the hem of her coat and thrusting her hands in her pockets.  She noticed a tenderness between her legs and smiled, considering the several times she and Carol had made love during the night.   _God, I’ve missed our loving, I’ve needed sex! It’s been too_ _long…we’ve been too tired and crabby._

 

     She watched Benny jumping at Sparky’s chest in repetition, so many times that the larger dog finally butted him with his huge head.  Undeterred, the small mutt continued trying to engage the Newfie until finally, Sparky growled at him, and then went back to his own beloved activity of barking at the incoming waves.  Benny seemed to get the message and went his own way then, moving farther down the beach where he sniffed at driftwood and poked around in the shallow muck at water’s edge.

 

     Therese heard the screech of the gulls and peered up.  She thought the birds magnificent and wished for her camera, not that she could capture them on film.  High above, they floated on invisible air currents so effortlessly it took her breath away, circling, circling, waiting, waiting.  Then suddenly they swooped, racing out of the wide expanse of sky as if the small fish below had stupidly shouted, “Now!  Come get me now!”  And the gulls tried, their long beaks piercing the waves again and again, sometimes finding their prey, oftentimes not.  They seemed weirdly content then, to rest on the waves, to allow themselves to coast along, their gray and white bodies bobbing up and down in the shallows as if they hadn’t a care in the world.

 

     She sighed.  _It’s like a majestic symphony…conducted by some mysterious, master hand…eliciting_ _such power and awe and beauty…_ Was this God?  She supposed so.  At least, her version of God.  _Who are_ _you?  If you created this grandeur, surely you can guide me!  Help me grow more confident with Benny.  Help me be more loving with Carol.  Show us the way to love each other more._

_And tell me…will I ever have a child of my own?  Should I?  Surely, you must know?_ For a long while, she sat and watched the ocean, hearing the gulls cry, smelling the briny air, feeling the cold sand beneath her.  She thought of nothing much, and didn’t care to, feeling so small and yet so bottomless.  

After a time, the dogs came racing toward her, soaked and panting.  Therese stood too late and was showered with cold seawater as they shook their coats in unison.  She laughed, her voice cutting the air around her with such purity it almost startled her.  Joy pierced her body, making her eyes water and nose turn red, filling her with a deep and nameless gratitude.  She threw back her head and laughed, perhaps only because she could.  “C’mon, you messy dogs.  Let’s go in.  It’s time for your breakfast!”

 

     Benny and Sparky raced ahead, Therese following behind at her own, slower pace.  She breathed deeply of the frosty air, content to watch her boots sink into sand.

  1. 5 Early Evening



 

     Two tired dogs lounged on Sparky’s bed next to the hearth, Benny curled up as near to Sparky as he could get.  A fire glowed in the fireplace, its orange and purple embers radiating heat and occasional plumes of pungent smoke.  The light outside was beginning its mid-winter fade, the pewter sky slowly darkening.

 

     But inside Elaine’s beach house, the atmosphere was peaceful and warm, so much so that as Therese put the finishing touches on the dinner table, she felt almost drugged.  Carol came out with the soup tureen, taking in the look on Therese’s face with amusement.  “Are you ready for bed, sweetheart?” she asked, coming around to where the younger woman stood, unmoving, gazing at the sleeping dogs.

 

     Therese realized she’d been spoken to, turning her head, looking bemused.  She smiled.  “Hmm…well, I could be.  I’m just so…relaxed.  But it’s more than that.  Peaceful, I guess.  I feel safe and warm here,” she replied honestly, her slender shoulders attempting to add expression.  Carol drew her into an embrace, consoled by Therese’s simple presence.  “Me, too, darling.  God, we needed this, didn’t we?  Me…you…Benny…” Her voice trailed away as she buried her face in Therese’s shoulder.

 

     Alicia came into the dining room, leaning on her cane with one hand, carrying a basket of fresh, warm, fragrant bread in the other.  She was smiling, and her deep blue eyes shone with warmth.  “I heard you, Carol.  Yes!  I needed this, too, my dears.”  With a salad in one hand and a second bottle of wine in the other, Elaine entered next.  Placing the items on the table, she took a deep breath, pulling her forest green sweater over her hips.  She added a smile.  “Whatever you all needed, I have, too!  I feel like I can breathe for the first time in weeks!  But come now, let’s eat,” she added, motioning with her arm.

 

     As the four took their seats, Sparky awoke, sensing the action at the dinner table, and certainly smelling the scent of food.  He stood with considerable grace, shook himself, and then trotted over to stand next to Elaine.  Benny wasn’t far behind, though he darted over as if shot out of a cannon.  Carol shook her head.  “Now Benny, we’re eating.  You sit!” she commanded.  The little dog wavered, his nose sniffing and eyes wandering.  “Sit, Benny!” she repeated, this time more firmly.  Finally, he sat, his tail thumping and white, left ear twitching.  Carol nodded, exclaiming, “Good boy, Benny!  Good boy!”  She tore off a piece of bread and handed it to the pup, which he immediately began chewing on.

 

     “There you go, Carol.  Being the Alpha!  That’s exactly what he needs,” Elaine observed.

 

     The blond woman rolled her eyes, sighing.  “I know. We know,” she replied, with a glance toward a nodding Therese.  “But…you could move in with us temporarily if you want…train him…” she said playfully.  Elaine laughed, her cheeks flushed with merriment.  “Oh, no!  I’ve been through too much with Sparky!  But you can come here any time.  Sparky will babysit and give you both a break.”

 

     Therese piped up.  “I think we should toast that wonderful idea!”  The four smiling women poured red wine into goblets, humming with murmured approvals.  Alicia looked around the table, and gratitude flowed through her, as sweet and rich as honey.  “May I pray, dears?” she asked, her weathered hands already clasped in front of her heart.  In response to their quiet nods, the nun began, “I just bring our hearts together here with deep thanks for all the gifts we’ve known this weekend.  I thank you, Lord, that you bless me with these dear women, these dear friends.  I thank you for two sweet dogs, for ocean and sky and sand, for this wonderful meal, for Elaine who opened her home to us all.  I thank you, Lord…I just thank you.  Amen.”  She picked up her wine glass.  “Now!  Here’s to all the gifts of this weekend!”

 

     As they toasted and began enjoying the piping hot bread and thick, aromatic minestrone soup, Alicia took a deep breath.  “I’ve been praying and meditating this whole time.  Seeking direction.  And I see now, how off-balance I’ve been…the pain took over…”  She sighed, looking around at her companions with a grateful smile.  “You’ve all helped me find my way back to my center in God.  I needed the time to _stop_ , to pull back from the convent…my responsibilities there.  To be confronted and cared for with such love.  Being here has been such a grace!  Time to be nurtured and to rest in this… _sacred circle_ ,” she finished, her eyes watering.  “Thank you, girls.”

 

     Elaine swallowed a bite, her own eyes tearing as she nodded in agreement.  “Me, too, Alicia.  The grief.  God!  The pain and loss I’ve been feeling, missing Maggie so much…I’ve been so drained.”  She shook her head, her silver-gray hair glinting in the soft overhead lighting.  “I’ve been away from my center, too, away from my soul, I guess.  And you all,” she said with a sip of wine, “you helped me find it again.  I feel rooted.  You filled my empty cup!”

 

     Carol spoke up, her deep voice tight with emotion.  “Well, ditto for me.  There hasn’t been time for _this_.  It’s been so comforting to be around the three of you all at once, so nurturing.”  She paused.  “I don’t think I’m as introspective as you are, but…when I pull back this way…when I’m among intimate friends and it’s so… _safe…_ ”  Her eyebrows rose as she tilted her head, making a carpet of golden blond hair fall forward.  “There are doors inside me I can feel opening.”  She smiled and softly said, “I think I like it.”

 

     Carol, Alicia, and Elaine all turned their heads, looking at Therese with well-communicated expectation.  The young woman’s beautiful face lit up as if an internal match had been struck and was flaming to life.  “Well, yes…me too, of course!  This morning, down at the beach with the dogs…I felt this peace inside that’s hard to describe in words. It’s like it was only meant to be _felt._   And I had to be open and ready…I think being with you all is what helped me to be open.”  She took a sip of her wine.  “I still can’t believe it, you know.”  Her voice was hushed.  “That I’m with Carol, and Alicia, you’re back in my life, and Elaine…to call you a friend now, too.”  Tears of joy rushed to her emerald eyes, so clear and honest and beaming.  “Wow!  _Thank you!_ And let’s do this again!”  She drank more wine.

 

     Elaine looked at her houseguests, thinking about how much Maggie would approve.  _Rummy.  Wine._   _Great food.  Happy dogs.  The ocean.  Rest.  Prayer.  And dear, dear friends._   She took a deep, cleansing breath, then raised her glass.

 

     “Oh, we will, Therese.  We definitely will!”   

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, I hope this story brought you healing in some way.
> 
> Much peace and gratitude to all.


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